Men & women

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
5. WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN COMMON?(they're intended for children, but men usually end up playing with them)
6. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?(because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor-lock)
7. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties)
8. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
9. WHY IS A MAN'S PEE YELLOW AND HIS SPERM WHITE?(so he can tell if he's coming or going)
10.HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN(???, it's never happened)

Ethnic Jokes

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future, either.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?He walks around saying, "Yo"  
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the Cuban national anthem?Row,Row, Row Your Boat
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale? A northern fairy tale begins "Onceupon a time..." A southern fairytale begins: Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..

TOP 20 REASONS WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

1)You can GET chocolate.
2)If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3)Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4)You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5)You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6)You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7)If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8)2 people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
9)The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10)You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11)You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
12)You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13)With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14)Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15)You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16)Good chocolate is easy to find.
17)You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18)You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19)When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
20)With chocolate size doesn't matter.

THE TOP TEN REASONS TRICK-OR-TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10.Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9. If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7. You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6. Person you're with doesn't fantasize you're someone else.
5. If you get a stomach ache, it won't last 9months.
4. If you wear your Batman mask, no one thinks you're kinky.
3. Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2. Less guilt the next morning. and, the #1 reason trick or treating is better than sex...
1. IF YOU DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT, YOU CAN ALWAYS GONEXT DOOR!

HOW "THEY" DO IT WHEN IT COMES TO SEX

>>>>> Accountants do it with Double Entry
>>>>> Acupuncturists do it with a small prick
>>>>> Ambulance drivers come quicker
>>>>> Australians do it Down Under
>>>>> Bankers do it with interest
>>>>> Bartenders do it on the Rocks
>>>>> Chess players check their Mates
>>>>> Cops do it with cuffs
>>>>> DJs do it on request
>>>>> Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
>>>>> Dentist do it orally
>>>>> Detectives do it under cover
>>>>> Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers
>>>>> Engineers do it to specification
>>>>> Firemen do it with a big hose
>>>>> Frank Sinatra does it his way
>>>>> Garbagemen cum twice a week
>>>>> Gardeners do it in the bushes
>>>>> Gas attendants Pump all day
>>>>> Housewives do it for an allowance
>>>>> Jockeys gallop hard and finish fast
>>>>> Landlords do it every 1st of the month
>>>>> Mountain Climbers like to be on top
>>>>> Pianists touch, tickle, and titilate !
>>>>> Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes or it's free
>>>>> Truckers do it in the road
>>>>> Travel Agents do it in lots of different places
>>>>> Waiters and waitresses do it for tips
>>>>> Watch out for tennis players - love means nothing to them !
>>>>> Zoologists do it with animals

Love - Lust - Marriage

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."'
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets on top.
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE -When ... uh... what's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST -When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern as to what's on TV.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST- When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE- When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

LOVE- You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
LUST- You only leave the house to buy condoms.
MARRIAGE- You only leave the house when you're allowed.